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Tag Archives: Bible

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

19 torsdag mai 2011

Posted by astridterese in Bilder, Humor, Tro

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

barn, bibelen, Bible, children, Humor

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that..

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check

Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights. I don’t know where that was but in Meredin, where I live, they only had 5 mls.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontiusthe Pilot.. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Kids say the darndest things!

08 mandag nov 2010

Posted by astridterese in Humor

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bible, children, death, dress-up, elderly, Humor, ketchup, nudity, opinions, police, school, speaking

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat; ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an  elementary school, I was interrupted by a little  girl Barnabout  6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop?  ‘Yes’, I answered and continued writing the report. ‘ My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It  sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said ‘What’d he do?’

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances  of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

BarnDRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that  suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made it ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want  this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to  her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A  little boy opened the big family Bible. He was  fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out; ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

NOW IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT!

The 7-ups

09 lørdag okt 2010

Posted by astridterese in Tro

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bibelvers, Bible, Christianity, dress-up, faith, Filliperne, Galaterbrevet, galatians, God, Ordspråkene, philippians, Proverbs, psalms, Salmene, Samuel, tro, wake up

1. Wake Up !!

Decide to have a good day.
‘This is the day the Lord hath made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.’
Psalms 118:24

2. Dress Up !!

The best way to dress up is to put on a smile.
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
‘The Lord does not look at the things man looks at.
Man looks at outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’
I Samuel 16:7

3. Shut Up!!

Say nice things and learn to listen.
God gave us two ears and one mouth,
so He must have meant for us to do twice as much listening as talking.
‘He who guards his lips guards his soul.’
Proverbs 13:3

4. Stand Up!!

. . . for what you believe in.
Stand for something or you will fall for anything.
‘Let us not be weary in doing good; for at the proper time,
we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good…’
Galatians 6:9-10

5. Look Up !!

. . to the Lord.
‘I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me’.
Philippians 4:13

6. Reach Up !!

. . for something higher.
‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not unto your own understanding.
In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.’
Proverbs 3:5-6

7. Lift Up !!

. . your Prayers.
‘Do not worry about anything; instead
Pray about everything.’
Philippians 4:6

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